


failure for lack of getting better (not for lack of trying)

by Gay_as_fuck



Series: it gets better (for other people) [1]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, crisis vote, just the crisis vote for that one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gay_as_fuck/pseuds/Gay_as_fuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodimus was trying so fucking hard. He was getting better, he was doing his best after drift.</p><p>It's never good enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	failure for lack of getting better (not for lack of trying)

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to the wonderful @PAW_07 who got me to write this

Rodimus hates to admit it but sometimes his palms itch. They itch in a number, a pattern that he wants to forget. They itch the crisis vote and seem to beg for him to scratch them in again. I’m better, he tells himself, I’m getting better.

If he was getting better why did optimus take his ship and his title, privately owned but who argues with optimus prime (he’s always right, his words still seem like law), and give it to Megatron. He wants to scream, “You can’t do this, you can’t take away the last bits of drift. This was never my ship”. 

But they all see him as immature and useless so shouting would only cause him more harm (not that the world can do much worse than it has). So his almost murderer is put in the captain’s chair and he’s forced to keep down panic when he looks up at his CO-captain. 

Every time that silver arm is raised he thinks of a hole in his chest, the getting the matrix, and then the guilt of losing it. He’s terrified, guilty, and alone but the worst part is that he has no one. Ratchet is gone so there’s no one telling him to take care of himself, Drift is gone so no one believes in him anymore. He’d reach out to Magnus but even though the man was a wall that supported him it also forced him up when he just needed to rest. 

He decided that drinking with crew members that didn’t know him too well was the best way to get support. A laugh, someone enjoying him even if it was at his own expense. He was like that when Megatron learns of his weaknesses. 

\---

Rodimus was far too many drinks past being drunk when Megatron walked into Swerve’s. The large mech ordered a heavy drink from the small bar tender. He eyed the crowded bar which had suddenly turned silent. 

He took his large blue drink and moved to the only empty table, well almost empty. His Co-captain was at the other end of the small circular table. He didn’t speak to Rodimus or even acknowledge the red speedster. He drunk for a moment then turned to Rodimus.

“Why do you do this” he asked, not mentioning the specifics. “Cause people like me that way” Rodimus responded, a giggle on his lips. 

“You just want attention?” Megatron tilted his head slightly, a questioning habit he had picked up from soundwave. “Positive attention” Rodimus slurred in correction “Caus I get enough of that negative stuff”. 

“People hate me ya’ know?” Megatron growled, “Yes, I know. I know more than you. What hate do you have to face, that of only a crew. I have the hate of most of our race”. Rodimus laughed, slurring out his answer; “I know I have no right to complain, but I just can’t”.  
“Your are a disgrace, people hate you because of the bad leadership choices you’ve made. People hate me because I started fighting for what I believed in”. 

Static started to appear in the Co-captain’s reply. “Ha, yeah. I am and I don’t need anyone else telling me that”. 

“Well I am so shape up and change” Megatron growled, angry at his co-captain. Rodimus’ answer was angry and full of self hate powered passion. “Don’t you think I’ve tried. I was tryin’ so fucking hard and then optimus tells you you’d be a better captain. You. Megatron. A warlord who almost killed all of the Cybertronain race”.

Megatron nodded, looking right at the speedster. “I am a better captain, and until you shape up I’ll be a better captain. What would you rather be, good or a disgrace”.

Rodimus gave sad laugh, looking into his drink, “I’d like to be myself cause I figure I’m a disgrace either way”.


End file.
